Lost Focus: ADHD at its Finest
I have spent another entire day at the computer typing away, blogging, commenting. Somehow, I’ve managed to eat all of that time and not accomplish anything but a single load of dishes. Okay, I fixed dinner too, but still. I sit here and think of how many weeks have gone by since I’ve packed a thing. I’ve completely lost focus. I’m supposed to be packing my house to sell it and move, but it just ain’t happening.
What is it about ADHD and bipolar disorder that lets you do that – just not do what you know you need to do? And it’s not like I’m not scared. I know the hammer’s gonna fall and I’m not going to be ready. The worst part is, I have an out and I’m not taking it. I seem to be waiting for something – I don’t know what. I need to be proactive and get this show on the road and get my loan modified so I don’t have to move. The problem is how to go about it. My mortgage broker says I have to do it myself, a group of lawyers down south want $2500 to do it, and my realtor friend says she may know of some lawyers here that do it. If I was smart – which I am, I would call my friend back ab out those lawyers until I got some information. But I just sit on it. Why? I want to do it, but I don’t. Stupid. Tomorrow I’ll call her for sure.
I want to talk about focus some more. When I lose mine, it’s like I don’t even see the thing or chore at all anymore. It’s gone from my mind completely. Like packing the house. I only think about it because I have it on my “to do” list and even then I can feel myself suppressing the thought. It’s the same with other things. I can completely forget to do something important over and over, even if it is on my to do list. It’s like I have blinders on for certain things at certain times. At other times I can see quite clearly and have no trouble handling those items on my list. This is a particularly frustrating feature of bipolar and ADHD. This is especially true if there is a third party tracking your progress and you have to continually say, “no, I haven’t gotten to that yet”.
I guess the blinders don’t come off until the manic phase, such that it is when you are medicated. In any event, there do seem to be times when I approach things with greater clarity than at other times. This is definitely not one of those times. I’ve been in this fog for weeks now. I would say I was worried if that emotion wasn’t also foggy and clouded over. I feel it, but it seems so far away somehow. The truth is, I can’t afford all this complacence right now. I have to do something about my house one way or another right away. I can only afford to live in it another month, maybe two, then I’m in big trouble.
Yet here I sit, blogging, answering email, applying for freelance writing jobs – wait, that’s good. lol. But seriously, I’m not doing anything to further my ultimate goal which is either to stay in the house or move. I think I’ve reached that lovely place where you can’t decide so you don’t decide until circumstances decide for you. I hate that place. Not being able to make a decision is the worst feeling. Talk about disempowering. Tony Robbins would have a field day. Of course he says he integrated someone with over 100 personalities in 45 minutes. I find that hard to believe, even for him. But I digress.
Let me leave you with this little kernel of wisdom that I’ve picked up over the years. It may not seem to apply to what we’ve been talking about, but it really does. God never gives us more than we can handle. I believe that to be true and it has certainly proven to be so in my life. (Sound funny coming from a crazy woman? 
) So, I’m thinking, maybe these little “grey outs” are just one way of handling matters along the way – a way of keeping things from getting too overwhelming. Of course, not handling things at all is not an option. Losing my grip completely is a place I never want to go. For now, I’ll just keep fighting the grey outs and trying to cope as best I can. Wish me luck.
I have ADHD too and I still have a big dam’ problem with focusing while having internet at home. I even had it while NOT having internet at my computer. Sometimes I manage to focus when I make the list of my long-term goals and writing down just what exactly do i need to do on the computer now to get closer to this goals. But other times the lazy part of me just tels me “ah wtf do you need this for? Just sit up ur ass and do what you want. Right now I’m following a self descipline program that tells all about it ( no matter ADD or not ). Hopefully I’ll be decided and strong enough to show thia “other side of me” who’s the boss here! ))
Lists can be real life savers – if you can remember to follow them! You aren’t lazy, you are distracted and distractable and that can be exhausting. Sometimes it’s easier just to go with your own flow for a while, even if it isn’t the best thing for us. I wish you the best of luck with you program. I’m working on one too.